hungry…

i know something about…being hungry like this…for a short time during my childhood…i was homeless…with no parents…no adults…on my own…just me…and whatever wits and resources i could conjure…when your grumbling stomache is the only thing that lets you know youre alive…that’s hunger…

you would think that would have made me a glutton when i finally got the chance..i went through some of that…i would open and close the cabinets…the refrigerator…and stand…and stare…making sure there was something there…

but then…i wrestled for six years…and from 12 to 18 i would lose…cut…in wrestling terms…a minimum of…twenty pounds…sometimes thirty…for 5 months every year…it was bad…i would walk the halls barely knowing my own name…

when it comes to methods of losing weight…ive seen..and done it all…starvation…caffeine…diuretics…vomiting before weigh in…then bingeing afterwards…water diets…fruit diets…dehydration…burying myself in layers…sweating myself dry…not once…did anyone question my health…i would tell people i was cutting weight for wrestling…and that would be that…

my senior year…i had enough…i felt like it was fucking with my sanity…something had to change…especially after i snapped…and pulled a knife on one of my foster brothers…

so…that’s why now…im baffled by the pro ana thing…so i asked the only anorexic im halfway aquainted with…what’s the deal… [edit- out of consideration and respect]…(understandably…the reponse was muted anger…and silence…)

well…i didn’t really expect much of a reply…why should she have to explain herself to anyone…

in the end…i’m still just confused…

i understand thhe occasional fast…i understand watching what you eat…but…knowing what it means to…do without…this pursuit of a concept of beauty…that has nothing to do with…human reality…just makes me feel like a clueless boob…

i guess this is my plea to understand…my general philosophy is…whatever gets you through the day…as long as you’re not harming anyone else in the process…so hey…i don’t judge…but if you can shed some light my way…i’ll listen…

Johnny Cash Loves You!

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