my history in blogging…

as i previously reported eleswhere…i’ve been writing since i was 18…i didn’t really take it seriously until i was about 25…and i’d been bullshiting around with it until…i started bsb…so, what made that happen…welll, lets go back to 2000…

the first year of the new millenium turned my life upside down…i decided that the only cure was to lay myself open…disect my life…and put it infront of everyone who’s opinion mattered to me…once a week i put together an email that described what, who, where when and especially why i was doing…whatever i happend to be doing…to keep it interesting i included relavent weblinks to whatevr i wrote about…

the entire email string described…a breakup…a cross country move…family drama…my love affair with the greatest city on earth…and came to a crashing halt in september of 2001…

i no longer believed my personal adventure had any relavance to this new world we found ourselves in…

then a couple of things happened…

iread this story…(please don’t sue me denver post, it’s just an excerpt)

i started drinking…heavily…

i wrote this story

i looked around…and saw a lot of people…living in a very particular moment…like we had all realized…shit, life is short…this moment…lasted from about february 2002…to about last fall…during that time…

denver was the alcohol consumption capital of the united states…

a lot of people here were unemplyed…and walking around with money in their pockets…and too much time on their hands…and having a lot of fucking fun…

time will tel…but i don’t believe this was an isolated moment…this felt like a natioal mood…encapsulated…another of summer of 68…or is it 69…but better…because…it was ours…because the horror of watching ppeople choose between flames…or flight…reminded us that life is for living…that we only get so much time to really do something with our lives…

so i started paying attention…and writing down what i saw…heard…felt…did…again…

for the first time since disco was big (pre-’77)…i felt like i was a part of something that wasn’t a fad (swing dancing anyone?)…that wasn’t the product of clever marketing (decade noostalgia)…or a regurgited form of the same old bulshiott (how else do you explain…electroclash?)…

and for the first time…i felt like my writing was an honest reflection of who i am…i felt like i was ready to put my stuff in front of an audience…

and then there was another newspaper story…about a local kid…god i wish i could find it (kudos to whoever can dig this one up)…who killed himself…and blogger was going to take down his widely read blog out of respect…

and that all led up to you reading thisentry today…

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  • hi mom and dad…

    it’s been a long time…too long…

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    you both lok prety damn hapy here…and i think it’s because you’re both in love…was i not far around the corner…

    mom…you did your best…iwas…still am…a willful fuck…i don’t know what i would do if i was handed the deal you got…but i got questions…shit that only you could answer…

    dad…you lived long enough to see my first week of life…maybe…maybe you werr too busy fiighting to keep your own…they said you were a malingerer…good for nothing…fuck em pop…they…don’t know shit anyway…

    this is what i know…this picture…it is the only thuth there is…a man…a woman…happy…in love…

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  • deep waters…

    hhave you ever gone swiming in a deep mountain lake…especially at night…its dark…and cold…when there is no difference between the water and the sky above…that’s exactly how i feel right now…

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  • rule 1. If you don't run your own life, someone else will.

    as i was typing last night’s sertmon on integrity…life was preparing to say…PROVE IT…

    i was filling out this application this morning and one of my best friends called and told me that a temp position was opening up in corporate hell…the same temp position that i left three months ago…because the 18 hour days were sucking the life out of me…because i want to finish bsb before the end of the year…because in those three months, i have written more…and better…thhan i did during the year i worked there…because my lady love was tired of only fucking on the weekends…priorities…right…

    i told her about the job…complained, actually…and of course, she brought the real…shhe remided me that i’m lucky to have choices…she told me that bsb is getting better and better…and she assured me that she would stand by whatever i chose…that’s why she’s my lady love…

    the plan was…is…to pick up some part time work…write everyday…and help the lady love with her business…the problem is…the part time job hasn’t happened yet…and going back to my cubicle would be lucrative…certain promises were implied…less work…more pay…blahbiity, blahbity, blahbity…

    it’s tepmting to turn this into an either/or siituation…writing vs money…but i know that’s a false dichotomy…bukowski worked like a dog for the post office…and wrotelike a champ…this is the kind of thinking i used to seduce myself into wage slavery the first time around…

    committment requires sacrifice…loving my lady love means not dropping my cock into whatever pretty thing who swings her ass in my face…loving my writing means not wasting my time and energy doing something just because it makes my pockets fat…

  • Johnny Cash Loves You!
  • rule 1. If you don’t run your own life, someone else will.

    as i was typing last night’s sertmon on integrity…life was preparing to say…PROVE IT…

    i was filling out this application this morning and one of my best friends called and told me that a temp position was opening up in corporate hell…the same temp position that i left three months ago…because the 18 hour days were sucking the life out of me…because i want to finish bsb before the end of the year…because in those three months, i have written more…and better…thhan i did during the year i worked there…because my lady love was tired of only fucking on the weekends…priorities…right…

    i told her about the job…complained, actually…and of course, she brought the real…shhe remided me that i’m lucky to have choices…she told me that bsb is getting better and better…and she assured me that she would stand by whatever i chose…that’s why she’s my lady love…

    the plan was…is…to pick up some part time work…write everyday…and help the lady love with her business…the problem is…the part time job hasn’t happened yet…and going back to my cubicle would be lucrative…certain promises were implied…less work…more pay…blahbiity, blahbity, blahbity…

    it’s tepmting to turn this into an either/or siituation…writing vs money…but i know that’s a false dichotomy…bukowski worked like a dog for the post office…and wrotelike a champ…this is the kind of thinking i used to seduce myself into wage slavery the first time around…

    committment requires sacrifice…loving my lady love means not dropping my cock into whatever pretty thing who swings her ass in my face…loving my writing means not wasting my time and energy doing something just because it makes my pockets fat…

  • Johnny Cash Loves You!